Sorrow and Starlight

When wielding a weapon greater than any should call their own, only the strength of your heart can guide it, only the power of your will can contain it. Know yourself and own every piece of who you are.

I had no tears left to offer, my heart already shattered beyond repair as I took in this loss, and my grief welled endlessly.

“There is no time for lollygagging,”

“I don’t want to let go. I want to turn back time.

“Take my hand and find me here. I live in the wind and grass, my dear. So when you need me, call my name. You’ll feel me close within the rain. For I, for I, for I, will wait beyond the Veil for you. But please, my love, don’t wait for me. My time is done, my seeds are sown. So live a life of joy and love, and I’ll be watching up above. The greatest show has just begun, my seat is taken, my song is sung. I’ll smile with every smile you take, I’ll laugh with you when times are great. So live for me, and live for you. I’ll see you in the star’s lagoon…I’ll see you in the star’s lagoon.”

I fought to figure out every piece which had gone so horribly wrong and why.

The pain in my soul was a void I couldn’t face. The heartache and grief a yawning chasm just waiting to swallow me whole.

Darius Acrux, the man I had hated and loved so eternally.

I felt like a machine, running on empty but unable to stop moving, following the motions of my body while not really registering any of them. I was here and somewhere utterly else at once, and I didn’t think there was enough of me left to try and reunite those pieces, even if I’d had half a mind to attempt it.

I was fury given wings, grief given strength and power given life.

“We can’t die,” Cal said a little breathlessly. “We’re Bitey C, Wolfman, and Fish Fury.”
“You remembered,” Seth gasped. “Of course I fucking remembered.”

I had to wonder what the fuck I’d been thinking when I’d agreed to something so empty with the one person I cared for more than anyone else in this damn world.

“His shameless brutishness lives!” Geraldine gasped,

The girl who could be queen stood, turning from the room despite the protests of my mom and the other Councillors, not even giving a shit as she turned her back on them and offered up that insult before striding from the room.

This was madness in its truest form, but the part of me that should have cared was locked down, like I was no longer afraid of anything, least of all the hallowed power writhing in this lake.

All I knew was that it felt like I was approaching the edge of the world, and at any second, I might drop off of it, my essence scratched from reality like it had never existed at all. And still, I wasn’t afraid.

“Cruelty is a construct of Fae, not us. When we are perched within the sky, we are neither good nor bad. We see all, we offer answers, we guide and gift, but we may take and destroy if the choices made below us invoke it.”

I fathomed it all in an intangible way that wasn’t like any memory I had experienced before, it was happening now, then, always, past, present, future, all of time rushing together as the first fates were spun. I was on the cusp of grasping something, understanding the drive behind these fates and what it was all for, when the power evaporated, and I stumbled to my knees.

One time, my dad had pointed out that he could just use a silencing bubble, and the look Darius’s dad had given him had reminded me he held a beast inside him that was capable of eating Fae whole. My dad never acted like he noticed though. But that was because my dad was a badass.

I thought of the book in my pocket, and the heavy weight in my chest eased. Nothing was going to change our bond. Darius and I were friends regardless of what relationships he had with the Heirs. It was me and him, and nothing and no one would ever come between us.

I’m supposed to be some all-powerful Phoenix but look at me now. I’m nothing.”
“You are everything,” I said firmly,

“Listen to me, Blue. I loved you when your soul shone with all the starlight in the night sky, and I’ll love you now when your soul is the blackest you’ve ever known. I will love you whole and I’ll love you in pieces. It doesn’t matter, light or dark, I am here. That is what mates are for. It’s what I’m made to be for you by the stars themselves, so stop trying to shut me out.”

“A gift, Libra, son of the hunter, for there must be a balance. A light to counter the dark. Your bond will be safeguarded with starlight from this day forward.”

“It’s okay, beautiful,” I promised her through a crazed smile that made her pause, her eyes searching mine as she took in this renewed strength in me. “She can’t have anything more from me than pain. I’m all yours. She can’t touch my soul; it’ll be whole and waiting for you when this is over. So let me bleed for you, my Queen. It would be a fucking honour.”

“I heard about your Mating, but seeing it now is just…” She trailed off, shaking her head in awe. “Is she good to you?”
“She’s every good thing I forgot existed in this world.”

True love is built on everything that exists outside of the word. It’s showing up when you’re needed, no matter the inconvenience. It’s knowing someone, truly knowing them, and accepting everything they are even where you differ or clash. It’s making effort despite the differences, it’s apologies when they’re owed and forgiveness even when it feels impossible.

I saw the fear in her eyes of being all alone in the big, wide world, where everything she had put her faith in had abandoned her.

“You always have so much faith in me.”

“I like to think that me being your asshole professor drove you to greatness.”

“Show me the devil in you.”

“He’s on our side, fratello. That’s Brian Washer.”
“I don’t care who he is, his ass whistled in my mouth,” I snapped.

“The stars,” I scoffed, hatred burning hotly through to my core. “They don’t favour anything aside from their own twisted cruelty.”

The ruby pendant hanging around my neck seemed to heat against my skin as I battled to keep control of myself, my fingers moving to touch it, and I could have sworn I felt an imposing shadow moving over me. A shiver ran down my spine, the scent of smoke and cedar filling my lungs as I inhaled, and I swear I could almost feel-

Leon whooped, jumping up and starting to do burpees.

My moon senses were telling me something was up, and I was going to find out what it was.

Alone, that was me. Just a pup on a mountain with no one to snuggle him.

Everyone needed a hug now and again. I was a hug master, and people always needed hugs most when they refused them. It was their way of trying to resist the emotions that hugs brought on, especially in the aftermath of so much loss. But that pain had to come out one way or another, better it was shared in the arms of someone who loved you.

“Orion will know how,” I said firmly. “He knows everything.”

“Everything’s changing,” I said. “Are we even gonna be the Heirs once this war is over? It was always the four of us, now it’s three, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold onto you and Cal.”

“You can’t beat me at being unpredictable,” I challenged. “It’s not a game,” he said. “It’s life or death.”
“Sounds like the best kind of game to me.”

“I had it,” I said, meaning for it to come out as a growl, but the words were weakened by the concern in his eyes. “I know,” he muttered. “But I wanted revenge for what it did to you. You’re my…Source. It makes me protective.”

Honestly, I just felt like I was faking my way through this game of power and politics most days, but in the images Geraldine had rendered of the two of us, we looked regal, beautiful, confident and impressive. Like we really were queens.

“I just want you to go out there and grab that fish boy by the balls and tell him he’s yours, bad choices in politics be damned.”

The walls I’d been building so forcefully were cracking, the weight of all I tried to hold back within them pressing out too powerfully. I would die from this pain. Slowly but surely, it would consume me and rot everything good I had ever claimed for my own. And I couldn’t even say I cared about that anymore.

Could he see me? Was he watching me break for him with knowing eyes, wondering where the girl he had fallen for had gone in the wake of his end?

I looked about as queenly as the street thief I’d been before I came to this fucking kingdom, and I was more than okay with that.

We began to fall, the water rushing up towards us at speed, the motion reminding me of a time long ago when we’d done this very thing before, when our problems had seemed so big and yet now seemed so incredibly small in hindsight.

“I came here to visit a fucking library. And I’m not leaving until I’ve checked out some books.”

“I expected a tale where the beast was defeated, the treasure was claimed, and everyone lived happily ever after.” Caleb broke a merciless laugh. “I suggest you stop believing in nonsense like that, Princess,” he said, his voice low and rough. “That’s not the way Faery tales go. The endings are always brutal and bloody, and no one walks away from them unscathed. Especially not the main characters.”

The fight for my life woke me up and made everything seem so much sharper than it had since the moment my world had imploded, and the people I loved most in this star-cursed life of mine had been lost to me.